So…

Is there anything wrong with being a tad bit narcissistic? The last couple of nights have been crazy and I have felt so desired, hot and confident. Quite the turn-a-round from two weeks prior when I was feeling worthless. Its amazing how much counseling and some med’s ha ha. I am about to be picked up in a limo, to go discuss details for the upcoming runway show. I am def excited. : )

a new begining…

So after a brief hospital stay, some meds, and the realization that my parents should not be allowed to manipulate me, especially as far away as they are. Nor should I live my life for them. Seemingly simple enough, with one draw back, leaving my little sister and brothers. I am to become someone completely different than what was perceived and what I was know by them. I will be my own person. The old will finally fade and someone new, will stand in my place.

Who can love the broken

I’m withdrawing, I don’t even feel it anymore… no pain… no sadness, just complete ambivalence. It’s almost as if I am immune to it, to everything. I want to escape, to go somewhere new. TO BE NEW… but I can’t. I’m stuck here, broken, unhappy… saddened. Should I tell her that my world is caving in without her? Or will that only pacify her. I don’t even know how to be angry anymore. I feel dead to all of this. Dead to myself, to the world, to each identity I held dear… I only feel dead. I cant even find the words to say. To express this emptiness, cause that’s all it is… is just a hollowness inside of me. I’m just a shell, that desires to be happy, but cannot even find it within myself to become happy. I’ve lost whatever it was that I claimed to be. I almost want to delete myspace and facebook because it is part of that identity, that collegiate filter through which I have expressed myself. And now I’m sitting here crying. Whats wrong with me? Why do I feel so hollow??

Maybe I write too much

So… being aware of your crap and dealing with your crap are two different things… as quoted from Gray’s Anatomy from Yang. Yea… I think I am definitely aware of my problems but not particularly sure how to correct them… see this is why I had to go see a counselor, because I am aware of my “issues” but not particularly sure how to correct the problem. Maybe that is because the problem is not mine to address. It lies with two different individuals, one belonging to my heart… the other to my family. Both are missed greatly. But thats enough. I refuse to keep analyzing things… or at least thats my statement for now.

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Love… or asking too much?

So my ex’s roommate who I thought was flirting, instead turned our dinner tonight into a double date Saturday with he, his boyfriend, My ex and I. Which is actually a really pleasant surprise. And apparently my ex wants to see me… It’s cute, beyond a doubt… but almost awkward, because I’m not sure how to react. We broke up because he didn’t have time, and realistically, that’s true. He works crazy hours and goes to school at the downtown campus and I go to main. No to mention I live on one side of the valley and he lives on the other. So finding time never was something too easy, and the pobrecito cannot study while I’m present. I guess I am too much of a distraction. Whatever it may be, by the time I finally gave in, allowed myself to just let go, it was too late… he ended it. And for some odd reason I sill hold onto the thought that I will get him back. Foolishly so perhaps, but even worse would be the scorn I have given others for holding the same hope… yet try as I must, to convince myself that my hope isn’t necessarily foolish, I keep falling short. All I keep as hope, is his words, if you’re still single in the summer, I’d love to try again. Foolish, I know. But something about him… just makes my heart melt… makes me forget who I am. I remember the first kiss he gave me, on my cheek, the kiss he gave me on my lips, subtle, nervous on both parties, but amazing. I remember lying on the floor of my best friends apartment, when we finally kissed a true kiss of passion. My heart stopped, just for a second or two. But long enough to realize he was different. And that kiss, still lingers on. And more so, I crave it more than anything. No one else’s kiss has the impact that his does. No one else’s kiss makes me lose track of time. So my question is this… am I being ridiculous, asking for too much… or is there a real possibility for love?? He still calls… still invites me here and there… confusing isn’t it?? Any pointers?

Today 1 November, 2007

I find myself in a unique circumstance, at a crossroads in almost every area of life. The uniqueness itself comes however not from the multiplicity of options and areas in which I must decide, instead if comes in the form of ambivalence. I am completely ambivalent to which direction my life takes. I find that I am laking something emotionally, something that would stimulate me to care. But I am at peace. Perhaps it is a good thing, although I do admit that it raises some concern within myself. I am debating on whether to continue schooling, or to take a year off… and cannot decide. More so, I feel things are complicated and clouded by unaddressable emotions. And it isn’t that there is truly an inability to address them, it is simply the further complications that come with addressing them. See, to ignore them, doesn’t resolve them, but instead it prevents further harm (emotional and psychological) as well as creating a perfectly acceptable facade of normality. Something I learned from my mother. The worse thing being that I know it is not healthy. But for now it works… at least until I have another break down. My old vent used to be running, working out, and just being active. But now, the motivation to do those things has long since disappeared.

On an awkward note, I still have feelings for my ex. And those feelings are only complicated by everyone throwing themselves at me. I feel like I am dehumanized, that I am not only objectified, but that they very essence of who I am, is completely destroyed. No one cares about my intellect. No one cares if there is more to me than looks. And yet I know that I am to blame. I am the one who not only falls subject to this but I perpetuate it as well. I spend time making sure I dress well, working out, eating right, and spending time on every detail from my hair down to my manicured nails. Yes a gay trait, but staying clean, fresh, and always always smelling good are priorities to me. And I know, clear as day that in these actions I am perpetuating social expectations and pressures that are realistically detrimental to not only society but the individual and his/her psyche.  The pressures that it creates for an individual, the stress of altering your body or appearance outside of it biological norm. We live in a society now that everything is perfect, or it is unwanted. We can make ourselves look better through physical mutilation. Its no wonder that I am looked at as a sex toy and not and individual. Even my ex’s best friend/roommate is hitting on me, and he has a boyfriend. I guess there is something about me desirable that I should in essence appreciate… but I feel as if something is lacking. Perhaps it is the fact that I started to fall for him… that when I finally let myself go, he did the same. Now its just five minute conversations, random emails.

I feel as hopeless and pathetic as those who fall without knowing what love is, I feel as if I am clinging on to something that is not worthless, but hopeless. Just the thought of touching him, holding him or having him hold me, brings a smile to my face. And his smile alone is all I need to lose myself. Yet instead I indulge in the temporary satisfaction of random sex, so accustomed to the gay culture. Just that moment of feeling connected, wanted and desired takes away the pain. His pain, and others. I am foolish I know, and I know that by indulging in almost daily fornication is not only hollow but a risk to myself. Yet I cant seem to stop. I crave it, almost as an addiction… this is my life. What has it become.

I can sit here, in the library piecing together the hollow pieces of my life, accepting that I can either change or continue in the same direction. But instead I find that my heart is in neither place. Again, the crossroad, again the ambivalent attitude towards something so important. Perhaps the time off would be beneficial.  Perhaps I need to sort through these things, issues, emotions, and addictions that I can truly define who I am and not only accept my life and the circumstances that are, but that I may learn and desire to improve. I know my capability, and instead I am going to let it waste. Because I am becoming more and more ambivalent.

It almost seems that in the contemplation of my life, of this awareness or so called existence,  I only find pain an sorrow. I understand why philosophers went mad with disappointment and insanity. But was it really insanity? Or was the apparition of a deeper knowledge; wherein the mind freed itself of societal restraints? I know that in my quest to discover life, I am longing to have it discover me. Who am i to stand here in the shadows and allow myself to float in and out of the ages, without leaving the slightest reverberation of hope, happiness, or success. Perhaps I am closer to the philosophers than I thought, cause my mind will surely liberate itself, at the expense of my sanity. Sorrow is becoming comforting, and I am drifting deeper into a state that I am not familiar with. Loneliness breeds no company better than death. Death itself is comforting, and empty. But there is more to that “emptiness” than is already perceived. Intellectually man contemplates suicide because of loneliness, because of detachment.  Detachment from society in which case scorns him. It is in that solitude that the mind is liberated, and from that liberation, insanity is bread. This is my rant…… perhaps in it dwells my own sanity, because my mind is still confined. Still dominated and rapped by society and each person that uses me.

My first entry

I am keeping this, because I think it will be helpful in the long run. Perhaps if not for me, then for someone else who can find some strength in knowing that they are not alone. Despite how alone they may feel. I know that I feel that way. That I do not always know what to say, do or even how to react. I find myself at my wit’s end and can no longer bear the stress. I AM GAY. and I have no problem saying that. Sometimes I almost want to shout it from the mountains tops in some rebellious rage. But against who am I really rebelling? I do not care what society perceives me to be, because that is not the truth. I do not care how I am labeled, because it only matters as to which label I reply. I do however care about my family. I do care about the fact that I am rejected, because of my orientation. So this is the start. There will be more to come. But I needed something clean, new, and most importantly, anonymous.

Hello world!

This is not meant to offend, but it as meant as the truth. This is my life, comments are welcome, but do not criticize. Thanks