I find myself in a unique circumstance, at a crossroads in almost every area of life. The uniqueness itself comes however not from the multiplicity of options and areas in which I must decide, instead if comes in the form of ambivalence. I am completely ambivalent to which direction my life takes. I find that I am laking something emotionally, something that would stimulate me to care. But I am at peace. Perhaps it is a good thing, although I do admit that it raises some concern within myself. I am debating on whether to continue schooling, or to take a year off… and cannot decide. More so, I feel things are complicated and clouded by unaddressable emotions. And it isn’t that there is truly an inability to address them, it is simply the further complications that come with addressing them. See, to ignore them, doesn’t resolve them, but instead it prevents further harm (emotional and psychological) as well as creating a perfectly acceptable facade of normality. Something I learned from my mother. The worse thing being that I know it is not healthy. But for now it works… at least until I have another break down. My old vent used to be running, working out, and just being active. But now, the motivation to do those things has long since disappeared.
On an awkward note, I still have feelings for my ex. And those feelings are only complicated by everyone throwing themselves at me. I feel like I am dehumanized, that I am not only objectified, but that they very essence of who I am, is completely destroyed. No one cares about my intellect. No one cares if there is more to me than looks. And yet I know that I am to blame. I am the one who not only falls subject to this but I perpetuate it as well. I spend time making sure I dress well, working out, eating right, and spending time on every detail from my hair down to my manicured nails. Yes a gay trait, but staying clean, fresh, and always always smelling good are priorities to me. And I know, clear as day that in these actions I am perpetuating social expectations and pressures that are realistically detrimental to not only society but the individual and his/her psyche. The pressures that it creates for an individual, the stress of altering your body or appearance outside of it biological norm. We live in a society now that everything is perfect, or it is unwanted. We can make ourselves look better through physical mutilation. Its no wonder that I am looked at as a sex toy and not and individual. Even my ex’s best friend/roommate is hitting on me, and he has a boyfriend. I guess there is something about me desirable that I should in essence appreciate… but I feel as if something is lacking. Perhaps it is the fact that I started to fall for him… that when I finally let myself go, he did the same. Now its just five minute conversations, random emails.
I feel as hopeless and pathetic as those who fall without knowing what love is, I feel as if I am clinging on to something that is not worthless, but hopeless. Just the thought of touching him, holding him or having him hold me, brings a smile to my face. And his smile alone is all I need to lose myself. Yet instead I indulge in the temporary satisfaction of random sex, so accustomed to the gay culture. Just that moment of feeling connected, wanted and desired takes away the pain. His pain, and others. I am foolish I know, and I know that by indulging in almost daily fornication is not only hollow but a risk to myself. Yet I cant seem to stop. I crave it, almost as an addiction… this is my life. What has it become.
I can sit here, in the library piecing together the hollow pieces of my life, accepting that I can either change or continue in the same direction. But instead I find that my heart is in neither place. Again, the crossroad, again the ambivalent attitude towards something so important. Perhaps the time off would be beneficial. Perhaps I need to sort through these things, issues, emotions, and addictions that I can truly define who I am and not only accept my life and the circumstances that are, but that I may learn and desire to improve. I know my capability, and instead I am going to let it waste. Because I am becoming more and more ambivalent.
It almost seems that in the contemplation of my life, of this awareness or so called existence, I only find pain an sorrow. I understand why philosophers went mad with disappointment and insanity. But was it really insanity? Or was the apparition of a deeper knowledge; wherein the mind freed itself of societal restraints? I know that in my quest to discover life, I am longing to have it discover me. Who am i to stand here in the shadows and allow myself to float in and out of the ages, without leaving the slightest reverberation of hope, happiness, or success. Perhaps I am closer to the philosophers than I thought, cause my mind will surely liberate itself, at the expense of my sanity. Sorrow is becoming comforting, and I am drifting deeper into a state that I am not familiar with. Loneliness breeds no company better than death. Death itself is comforting, and empty. But there is more to that “emptiness” than is already perceived. Intellectually man contemplates suicide because of loneliness, because of detachment. Detachment from society in which case scorns him. It is in that solitude that the mind is liberated, and from that liberation, insanity is bread. This is my rant…… perhaps in it dwells my own sanity, because my mind is still confined. Still dominated and rapped by society and each person that uses me.
